He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think your dad took our porno
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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