my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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