I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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