pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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