I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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