I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
