he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
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and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
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I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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