I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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