my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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