That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
