My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Randomize
