Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
