the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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