My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
