I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
