Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
