Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Dear god my vagina.
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