I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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