Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
