textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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