Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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