I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
