First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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