I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
