Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My vagina just recognized that song.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
