In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
