my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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