I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
we're so committed to being not committed
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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