Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
