She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
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My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
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