well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
