Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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