The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
