i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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