Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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