True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
