Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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