Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
