I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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