I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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