Jerry, you need to find god
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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