i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
