I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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