PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
