when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
