I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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