So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
