I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
