My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
