if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
