he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
