I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
