Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
