they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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