btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
