I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
