dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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