Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
